Finding balance.
flatlay of my reboot notebook and ipad with "finding balance" written on the screen

The past 2 years has been a bit of a shit show. I went from being a normal 27/28 year old seemingly with a whole future of experiences ahead of me, to feeling trapped. Now I’m desperately trying to find some balance.

Obligated

I’m not a fan of the word trapped, it makes me feel some kind of way and its not the most positive connotation out there. Obviously I’m not trapped, but let’s say I feel obligated. Obligated to stay here, and care for my Nan, because it has been left for me to do. This sounds derogatory, I love my Nan, but when things are thrown at you out of nowhere. I was caught a bit off guard.

When I was little I had all these hopes and dreams of leaving this little town and making “something” of myself. Whilst I do feel like I’m making something of myself in my own little way, leaving this town has become a pipe dream. My Nan’s health and the care needs associated with her illnesses have taken precedent.

Of course I don’t have any problem looking after her, she took me in and adopted me after all her children had grown up and I’m forever grateful for the care and love she gave me growing up.

Knowing how things would have turned out with my “real” mother, she gave me a life I would have been dreaming of. But I’m not my Nan’s only “child” yet I’m the only one really caring for her. That’s something which has really got me down lately.

Abandoned

I feel abandoned in some respect, the two other children of my Nan’s, who have grown up before me, and are now living their own lives. They seem to have forgotten that I haven’t had the chance to truly live mine yet. Sometimes the thought of not being truly able to experience things like a “normal” person hurts.

Moving out or away is out of the question. I can’t go travelling on my own, my independence has been taken away without any thought from the other two. Which is more than frustrating, when they could easily do more to help. They don’t live far away, but make minimal effort.

Finding balance

In the last few months I’ve been struggling to find a balance between, carer, boss and just a person trying to live life. I don’t get a day to myself. Even on holidays I’m being contacted by people in work which infuriates me more than anything.

I never truly understood the phrase “weight of the world on your shoulders” until now.

I do find myself grounding myself regularly. I’m by no means in the worst position in the world. There are so many people out there in far worse situations than I’m in, but it’s all subjective. I just have to remind myself of that.

There was no preparation for this, it all just happened. One day my Nan had a lot of independence and capability, and then one operation later, she became restricted.

[edit: My Nan has end stage renal failure and requires dialysis 3 times a week. Putting her fistula in, they damaged the nerve in her arm which has restricted what she can now do with that arm. For reference, anything heavier than her purse is too much. She’s also riddled with arthritis in her fingers, legs, back and feet.And her medication causes confusion, memory loss and loss of balance]

My life literally revolves around work and Nan. I’ve got no real friends, I don’t go out anywhere, work is my social life and days off are about catching up with housework I haven’t been able to do.

What I’m hoping for this next year is to find or create some balance. I’d like to reconnect with old friends. I want to leave the house for something other than work. I’d like to have a fragment of time for myself during the day rather than waiting till Nan is in bed (like right now… it’s currently 1.30am)

I’ve realised over the last few months that I need to look after myself to be in the best position to look after my Nan and to be the best I can be in work too.

To finding balance.

Take care, stay safe

James. aka Anothermaleblogger

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This Post Has 8 Comments

  1. Arhaaths

    Emotions are best when let out but there are times when I guess you just need to buckle down and let time be the healer

  2. Amber Page

    I can relate to you in a similer way. My brother need extra care and I am the only sibling that is willing to do it and sometimes I feel like I could just use a little more help from the rest of the family but they all rely on me.

  3. Dave

    Sorry to hear about your situation. Hope you’re doing okay!

    1. We’re muddling through. It’s a new experience for both of us really so it’s adapting to a new situation. We’re doing okay though, thank you x

  4. Finding balance is SO important. Is there any opportunity to have someone help you with her care, even if it’s just hiring someone to come in and help out one evening for week so that you can have a ‘night off’. I know that it makes it sound like work and no one wants to see it that way BUT I do think you need some ‘me’ time… We all need that time for our mental and emotional health!

    1. Funnily enough isolations really helped us balance some things out. It’s never going to be perfect, and one day we might need professional help, but for now we’re figuring it all out as we go along. Thanks for commenting. Isolations given me a bit more “me” time as I’m not working, so I think that’s helped too x

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