The Reality of NOT wanting Children
Title image of two people holding hands, with "the reality of not wanting children" text overlayed.

By the time my mother was 29 she’d had 5 children. Myself being her oldest and then 11 years old. In comparison my Nan by 29 had 4 children, her oldest being 8.

In a few weeks time I’ll be 29, and I have 0. With no intention of having my own children.

There’s a few questions I’ve asked myself over the years, and I’ve asked myself these questions because it’s been made apparent that there’s something wrong about not wanting children.

One of the biggest questions and probably the most obvious one is. Would I feel different if I were straight?

There’s nothing stopping gay men from having children – we find a way if it’s something we want. But just like marriage, I didn’t grow up with an example of gay men having children, so it wasn’t a reality in my world – which was my same mentality about marrige. I grew up with no example of it, it wasn’t even legal, so I never dreamt it could happen.

With children, I’ve never felt this maternal instinct to want my own. I don’t know if it’s because of my experiences growing up with my maternal mother (Who actually has no maternal instinct – even after 5 children) or whether I’m just one of those people that just don’t want children.

What get’s really annoying is when people tell me I’ll change my mind. I don’t understand what the problem is with not wanting children. Surely a parent should be someone who actually wants to have children? Surely in most circumstances, wanting a child makes a better parent?

Pinnable image.

Over the years I’ve heard people assume it’s because “people like me” (who don’t want children) don’t like children. Which is completely untrue – in my case. We’ve had loads of children in my family, and holding a new born baby and watching them go through their life stages. Seeing them walk for the first time and talk. Watching them grow into little human beings is one of the greatest things to witness. I just don’t want my own. I’m happy watching from the sidelines.

Fears

Part of this might be fear. Which would be understandable, I grew up with a mother that didn’t want me, and grandparents who divorced. I watched my Nan struggle to make ends meet and provide me with everything I needed, and safe to say. I wouldn’t want that for a child. In my mind it’s unlikely, I genuinely think I just don’t want children.

That doesn’t mean I won’t change my mind.

Personally wanting children – I think, isn’t a choice, it’s more of a feeling. I didn’t wake up one morning and actively decide I didn’t want children. It’s just something I’ve always felt wasn’t for me. There may be a time this feeling changes. There may be a time that I want nothing more than my own children. Which sounds contradictory or maybe even hypocritical, but I’ve learned in life that things change without warning. And I’m keeping myself open to those changes.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the topic.

Take care, stay safe.

James. aka Anothermaleblogger.

This Post Has 6 Comments

  1. Boomer EcoCrusader

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not wanting children. I always said I would never have children. Then, when my family had totally given up and stopped asking, I surprised them by getting pregnant (planned) when I was 35 and then having a second child at 38. Now, I can’t imagine my life without my daughters. But I do understand that parenthood is not for everyone and if you’re not willing or able to fully commit, it’s better not to do it.

  2. suziesworldblog

    It’s down to the individual, whether they want kids or not. I hate it when people try and get involved. I was married at 23 and immediately the day after the wedding, the question of are you thinking about kids, literally followed me around for a good few years. People then stopped asking when I made it clear that I wasn’t wanting kids. Then, when my older sister had a baby a few years back, someone said to me in a jokey way ‘oh you’ve gotta catch up with your sister now’. I just hate this mentality that you have to have a kid, the minute you get married or by a certain age. Otherwise you are deemed as weird etc. And also, the individual may not be able to actually have kids or there maybe another reason for them not wanting kids, you know?

  3. Jaclyn

    I definitely think this is a decision that everyone has to make for themselves. Some people can’t wait to have kids, while others just have no interest in having them at all. And both decisions are absolutely fine. I’m a parent and I have lots of friends who are parents too. But I also have plenty of friends who don’t have kids and don’t want them. They are happy with their lifestyle and being able to do all the things you can do when you don’t have kids. Personally I never ask people if they are going to have kids or not. It’s so personal and I don’t think it’s anyone else’s business. I’m happy to talk to people about stuff like this, but I would never pressure someone by asking them outright. And like you’ve said, for some people they may well change their mind.

  4. Brendan Birth

    It feels like every blogger I know who has said they don’t want children have examples of people saying to them that, “You’ll change your mind.” Maybe some do, but many don’t. And, that’s okay.

  5. Great post! There’s nothing wrong with not wanting children. Whether your gay or straight, man or woman or identifies outside of these stupid boxes, it’s up to you and it’s nobody else’s decision except yours ( and maybe your partner if you have one)

  6. charlottecoles

    I think it’s important this is spoken about more because it is expected in todays society that everyone should want children, but not everyone does. It’s completely ok either way!!

    – charlotte / https://charlottesspace.com

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